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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24491245">What have I done to deserve this?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Margot_Lescargot/pseuds/Margot_Lescargot'>Margot_Lescargot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Once more, from the top [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovitch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Friendship, Gen, M/M, Therapy, Therapy Session</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:41:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,051</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24491245</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Margot_Lescargot/pseuds/Margot_Lescargot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Two chapters.</p><p>Two conversations about a new relationship.</p><p>Seawoll and Stephanopoulos; Nightingale and his therapist.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Miriam Stephanopoulos &amp; Alexander Seawoll, Thomas Nightingale/Alexander Seawoll</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Once more, from the top [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I can do what I want to</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>These take place at around the same time, give or take.   Two or three months in (so a few weeks or so after the last in the series, for anyone keeping count).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Miriam deposited one pint on the table in front of Alex and another in front of the chair opposite.  She sat down heavily.</p><p>‘Well isn’t this nice?’</p><p>Alex raised his glass.  ‘Cheers.’</p><p>Miriam mirrored him.  ‘Chin-chin.’</p><p>She put down her glass while he was still drinking and regarded him through narrowed eyes.  ‘I’m surprised you agreed to come.’</p><p>He swallowed.  ‘Like I said, I can only stay for one.’</p><p>Miriam raised her eyebrows.  ‘One’s all it’ll take.’  She sat back in her chair.  'You’ve been avoiding me,’ she added accusingly.</p><p>Alex put down his own glass and gave an elaborate sigh.  ‘Miriam, we see each other every working day, give or take.’</p><p>‘You know what I mean.’</p><p>‘Do I?’  He sat back himself.  ‘I’m not sure I can read your mind, our Miriam.  You credit my otherworldly powers a little too much perhaps.’</p><p>‘Do I?’ she echoed.  ‘You’d know all about otherworldly powers these days I imagine.’</p><p>Alex blew out a breath.  ‘Alright then.  Let’s have it.  I knew it’d have to happen sometime,’ he added, muttering to himself.</p><p>‘Have what?’</p><p>‘The third degree.’</p><p>She didn’t bother to feign innocence.  ‘You’re still shagging him then, I take it?  Nightingale?’</p><p>‘Amongst other things,’ he said with a smile.  ‘Sorry, sorry,’ he raised his hands immediately in apology.  ‘I couldn’t not.’</p><p>Miriam looked vaguely repulsed.  ‘Oh for fuck’s sake, really?  How old are you?’</p><p>Alex became serious.  ‘Old enough.  Look, Miriam, we’ve known each other a long time, so give me the credit that I might, at least, know what the fuck I’m doing.’</p><p>‘Oh but that’s exactly my point, Alexander.’  Alex rolled his eyes.  ‘I have no idea <em> what </em> he is, the one you’re doing.  And neither do you.  Not really.’</p><p>Alex was silent, and Miriam adopted a softer tone. </p><p>‘Alex – seriously-‘</p><p>‘Seriously what?’  he interrupted.  ‘What, Miriam?  What exactly is your problem here?’</p><p>She was undeterred.  ‘My problem?  My problem is pretty fucking straightforward I’d say.  What do you know about… him?  His… condition, what he is?’</p><p>‘I know enough.’</p><p>‘<em>Really</em>?  Do you now?’</p><p>‘Sneering doesn’t become you, Miriam,’ he said coldly.</p><p>‘Behaving like a fucking idiot doesn’t become <em>you</em>.’</p><p>They fell silent and looked away from each other, and each, reflexively, took a pull of their pint. </p><p>Miriam spoke first.  ‘And it’s not just the weird bollocks – your words by the way – but all the other stuff as well.  There’s something there - PTSD or whatever you want to call it.  You’ve seen the way he gets at times...  Jesus, the squad call him “Battle Nightingale” – and it fucking fits, Alex.  Do you remember that time-’ but this time she quailed under his look.  ‘Ok, ok.  But what I mean is, if that’s just the stuff on the surface, then what the fuck else must be swirling around underneath? It’s the-’</p><p>Alex cut across her again.  ‘Miriam, I love you dearly, as you know, but I strongly advise you to think extremely fucking carefully about what you’re going to say next.’</p><p>She sighed.  ‘Ok, noted.  But you take my point.’</p><p>‘I do.  And I know you mean well.  But I’m a big lad now, and that’s something for me to worry about surely.’</p><p>She shrugged.  ‘I suppose.’  She paused.  ‘And don’t call me Shirley.’  Alex snorted, and they both grinned and the tension was broken.</p><p>She raised her glass.  ‘Friends?’</p><p>‘Of course we are, you dozy tart.’  He clinked and they drank.</p><p>‘I will admit though’ she said after a ruminative pause, ‘that he does still piss me off the tiniest bit at times, swanning about the place, with his nose in the air and oh-so-immaculately turned out…’  </p><p>‘A-ha!’  Alex exclaimed triumphantly.  ‘That’s it!  You just don’t like him!’</p><p>‘I don’t <em> dislike </em> him.  I can work alongside him fine.  More than fine, in fact – he’s a much better copper than he was – as we’ve discussed repeatedly the last couple of years – and he’s as idiotically fearless as any I’ve seen.  But I’m not talking about the job.’  She hesitated.  ‘I’m talking about <em> you</em>.  Not knowing what fucking weird shit you’re getting yourself into.  Any of it.  I…’ she ground to a halt.</p><p>‘Spit it out our Miriam.’</p><p>She sighed.  ‘I don’t want you to get hurt.’</p><p>‘Oh Miriam!  I never knew you cared.’</p><p>‘Fuck off.’</p><p>Alex chuckled.</p><p>‘Ok.  I’ve said my piece, so I’ll leave it there.  But I meant what I said earlier, about the PTSD or whatever it is.  That stuff is serious.  You know that.  Whatever it is you think you’re doing… it won’t be easy.’</p><p>Alex smiled.  ‘I know that.  But that’s not the point is it?  Just for it to be easy?  Or it shouldn’t be.’  He paused.  ‘How’s the goat, by the way?’</p><p>Miriam’s brows drew down. ‘Don’t ask.’  Then she brightened.  ‘Actually, you can see for yourself on Friday.’</p><p>Alex hesitated, glass half-way to his lips.  ‘Why?  What’s happening on Friday?’</p><p>‘You’re coming to ours for dinner.’</p><p>‘Am I?’  He inclined his head.  ‘That’s a bit fucking presumptuous, isn’t it?  I might have plans.’</p><p>‘I’m sure he won’t mind waiting for you, if you have.  He’s been around long enough.’</p><p>Alex gave her a look.  ‘Low blow, Miriam.’</p><p>‘Yeah, fair enough.  Sorry.’  She drained her glass and stood up.  ‘Dinner.  Friday, half seven.  Don’t be late.’</p><p> </p><p>Alex, carrying two bottles of wine, rang the doorbell with some difficulty.  After a few moments, and some shouted instructions from within, the door opened.</p><p>‘Alex!  How are you, you old bastard?  Haven’t seen you in ages!  Come here.’  Pam’s strong Queensland tones, unsoftened after almost two decades in London, rolled over him, as she enveloped as much of him as she could reach into a hug.</p><p>‘Alright, Pam?’ he said, bending over her.</p><p>‘Can’t complain,’ and she stepped aside to let him move past into the house.  </p><p>She closed the front door behind him.  ‘Min tells me you’re fucking an immortal wizard.’</p><p>Alex swore under his breath, squared his shoulders and turned back to face her.</p><p>‘Yes,’ he said resignedly.  ‘I am.’</p><p>‘Cool,’ she nodded thoughtfully, then took the bottles from him.  ‘Come on through, we’re in the garden.’</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. and talked for hours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dr Green poked her head into the waiting area.  ‘Thomas.  Lovely to see you.  Do come in.’  She held open the door for him to walk through. </p><p>‘Take a seat.’</p><p>‘Thank you.’   The consulting room was high-ceilinged and cool, the west-facing windows partially shuttered against the glare of the late July sun.  Thomas sat in one of two low-slung chairs facing each other.  At his elbow was a small table, bearing a freshly-poured glass of water and the ever-present box of tissues.</p><p>Dr Green closed the door and settled herself in the chair opposite, a small leather-bound notebook balanced on her knee.  ‘So how are we?’</p><p>‘Well, thank you.  You?’</p><p>She smiled.  ‘Well also, thanks.  How has your week been?’</p><p>‘So-so.  Fairly quiet on the work front.’</p><p>‘Nightmares?’</p><p>‘One or two.  Nothing too earth-shattering.’</p><p>‘War-based?’</p><p>‘Naturally.’</p><p>Dr Green made a short note and then looked up again.  ‘Would you like to talk about them?  Or did you want to continue with, um’ she consulted her notes, ‘Baker Street?’</p><p>‘Neither today, I don’t think, if that’s alright?’</p><p>‘Yes, of course.  This is your time.  And so…?’ she prompted, when Thomas showed no immediate sign of speaking.</p><p>‘Yes.’  He cleared his throat.  ‘There’s something else, rather, that I would like to discuss with you.’  He paused.  ‘When we first began this process, you said that I should mention any changes in my… circumstances.’</p><p>Dr Green nodded.  ‘That’s right.’</p><p>‘Well, then,’ he continued.  ‘There has been… of late… a change, such a change I should say.’  He paused again.  </p><p>Dr Green waited patiently, saying nothing.</p><p>‘Yes, so, anyway, a change, if you will.’</p><p>‘A change you say?’  Dr Green permitted herself an amused smile.</p><p>‘Indeed.  I have, um, I have begun, in recent months, to..’  words failed him, and he cast about the room helplessly, as if the appropriate words were written on the wall.</p><p>His gaze fell on Dr Green, who raised an eyebrow and regarded him equably.  ‘Yes, Thomas?’</p><p>‘There is someone,’  he blurted out, then paused, and took another breath.  ‘What I mean is, I have… become involved with someone.  Or rather, I have begun a relationship.  With someone.  Yes.'  He let out a sigh of relief.  'Yes, that is, I believe, the common parlance.’  </p><p>‘I see,’  said Dr Green.  ‘A romantic relationship, I infer?’</p><p>‘Yes, that’s correct.’</p><p>‘A sexual relationship?’</p><p>Thomas’ colour heightened slightly as he answered ‘Yes.’</p><p>‘I see,’ said Dr Green again.  ‘Which would make this the first time you have been in such a relationship since the war, is that correct?’</p><p>‘Yes.’</p><p>‘And how does that make you feel?’</p><p>‘Er, fine, fine.  It’s... fine.  Better than fine.’</p><p>‘That’s not quite what I meant, but we can return to that.’  She made a minute note in the notebook she held, as Thomas took a sip of water.  She looked up again and smiled.  ‘Thank you for telling me this Thomas.  Though, if I may say so, I already suspected that something of that nature had occurred.’</p><p>‘Indeed Dr Green?’ said Thomas bridling slightly.  ‘And why was that, might I ask?’</p><p>Dr Green considered before saying.  ‘Because you started smiling.   Not many people smile when they come here.  But for some weeks now I have seen you enter with an air of contentment, that you did not used to have, and sometimes – notwithstanding what passes between us – it returns to you as you leave.   Also, your bearing is more open… Need I go on?’</p><p>‘No, no, that will do thank you.   I am mortified that I am so easy to read.’</p><p>‘You will recover, I am sure.’  Dr Green smiled.  ‘Thomas, you have been my patient for almost a year now, and I am – to a degree – paid to notice such things.  You may reassure yourself on that score.’  She uncrossed her legs and resettled herself in her chair.  ‘So, what is it that you wanted to discuss?  Did you want to tell me about this someone?  It is a man, I take it?’</p><p>Thomas gave a short laugh.   ‘Yes.  It is.  We have discussed how my life has altered since Peter’s arrival at the Folly, but I have not changed quite so much.’</p><p>‘No indeed.  That would have surprised me.’ She gave a wryly amused smile.  ‘So what is it about this development that you would like to discuss?’  </p><p>‘I don’t know.  I don’t know if there is anything I <em>need</em> to discuss, as such.  I was merely acting under the impression, as I say, that if there were any changes in my situation, then I ought to bring it to your attention.  And this is, I would say,’ he added reflectively, ‘a fairly significant change.’</p><p>‘Yes, I’d agree with you there,’ said Dr Green.  ‘Shall we perhaps discuss that?  You used the word significant.  What do you mean by that?’</p><p>‘Well,’  he squirmed slightly, ’it’s..’ he fell silent again.</p><p>‘Alright.  Let’s try to break it down slightly shall we?  So far as I understand it, it’s many years since you’ve been involved with anyone else and now, suddenly-‘</p><p>‘Oh I wouldn’t say it was sudden,’ interposed Thomas.</p><p>‘Indeed?  Well you can tell me about that in a moment.  Nonetheless, for the first time in decades you are intimate with another person.’</p><p>‘That’s correct.’</p><p>‘So, are you having some difficulty perhaps in reconciling this development with your life as it has been in recent years?  Is there something – and let us not forget, as I am sure you do not, that the world was a very different place the last time that you were in this situation – something, then, that you feel requires a degree of conscious adjustment?’  He began to furrow his brow.  ‘Very well, let me put it more simply: how are you finding it?  This change in circumstances.’</p><p>‘Well as I say, it’s fine.  I almost..  Or perhaps, rather, the reason that I have raised it with you now is because it strikes me as notable that there is nothing notable about it.  Does that make sense?  It has been, as you say, over seventy years since I... and, well, that did not...  But,’ he shook his head, ‘I don’t want to talk about David today.  This is about Alex.’</p><p>‘Alex?’</p><p>‘Yes.  That’s his name.’</p><p>Dr Green was silent.</p><p>‘So, yes, the point that I am somewhat inarticulately trying to make, is that, though one might expect it, it does not feel unusual, or as if I need to adjust to anything.  It’s not difficult - on the contrary, it’s very easy.   Easy, but,’ he corrected himself, ‘not commonplace.  I don’t mean that… I suppose it’s that I don’t feel as if I have to strive for it, and...’  he looked down, momentarily embarrassed.</p><p>‘And?’ prompted Dr Green gently.</p><p>‘He’s... well, he’s interested in <em>me</em>.  By which I mean, not the Nightingale... not the magic, nor what I can do, or do for him.  Although there is an element of that, I suppose.  We do work together, to a degree, but he doesn’t…’ He ground to a halt once more. ‘I’m sorry, I’m not expressing this very well.’</p><p>‘You are telling me a great deal, Thomas.  Please go on.’</p><p>He took a breath.  ‘Very well then.  If I take a step back – as you’ve taught me – and look at the situation as dispassionately as I am able, I would say - if someone came to me, who had not been in a relationship for over seventy years and had lately begun one - I would say “that must feel strange”.  And I say to myself, “but it does not”.  And that in itself is strange, is it not?’</p><p>‘Thomas, it's not for me to tell you what is strange and what's not in the realms of human behaviour, I can only help you to find ways of dealing with whatever may be causing you particular difficulty.  But if I may ask you one question: which is why you seem to be seeking difficulties which are not there?’</p><p>‘I’m not seeking them.  I just.. I don’t know.  It seems…  It’s disquieting that it is not disquieting.’</p><p>She nodded.  ‘I understand.  Well it may be as simple to address as my telling you to accept it for what it is.  For now at least.  If it's not unnerving as a change – after all this time - then that can only be a good thing.’  She made another note then looked up.  ‘Why don’t you tell me something about him – Alex – and we’ll see if we can explore this a little more.  If that would help at all?’</p><p>‘Yes, I don't see why not.’</p><p>‘Ok. You said a moment ago that this wasn’t a sudden thing?  What did you mean by that?’</p><p>‘Oh.  Merely that I have known him for some twenty years or so.  He is in the Police Service also, I ought to have said.’</p><p>‘Oh really?  So he knows about you?’</p><p>‘The age thing, you mean?  Yes he does.  Most people of a certain rank in the Met do, it’s merely one of those things which is never spoken of.’</p><p>‘How very British.’</p><p>‘Well quite.  So, as I say, he is also in the Met – a career policeman – we are the same rank.  He is well respected in the Service; formidable, some would say.  He can be abrasive; he does not suffer fools gladly – he suffers few gladly, if I am honest.  His reputation is fearsome – if well-earned – and he works hard to maintain it.  Concealing that he is kind, generous and – I am beginning to suspect – deeply sentimental.’ </p><p>He looked around the room.  ‘Er, what else?  He is around my age – my physical age I mean – slightly older perhaps.' He smiled.  'But then again, so am I.’    </p><p>Dr Green regarded him with interest.  ‘And this is the person with whom you have decided to begin a relationship, for the first time in decades?’</p><p>He shrugged.  ‘So it would seem.’</p><p>‘Hmm,’  Dr Green inclined her head.  ‘We have covered it in passing, but now might perhaps be an appropriate juncture to explore a little further why exactly it was that you didn’t become involved with anyone else in the years after the war.  If you have no objection, that is.  I’m interested you see in what has made a difference, what it is about Alex, or yourself, now, that has prompted this change.’</p><p>Thomas smiled.  ‘No.  No objection.’</p><p>‘Well then, to be absolutely clear, you had no liaison - of any sort - between the war and now?’</p><p>‘No.  None.’</p><p>‘You were never inclined?’</p><p>‘No.  Immediately after the war, as you will appreciate, I had no inclination whatsoever.  It took time to recover from my injuries, and then for some years afterwards, I was, as you have pointed out, somewhat traumatised.   I barely left the Folly for twenty years.   During which time I was ageing normally, and what appetites there were naturally lessened.  When I realised that my youth – relatively speaking – was returning, it did occur to me, I can’t deny, whether I ought to venture out in that sense again.  Particularly as, by that time, to do so wouldn't have rendered me liable to prosecution.  But... I was naturally reticent and had absolutely no idea how to navigate this new world, and the years slipped by.  And then the 1980s rolled around, and, well, even in my seclusion, I could not be unaware of what was happening in the wider world.’</p><p>Dr Green nodded, and scribbled another note as he spoke.</p><p>‘It was not something that encouraged me to seek out anything, even had I been so inclined.  Indeed none of it seemed worth the risk.   Not after everything that had happened.’  He considered.  ‘I flatter myself that I did receive the odd proposition over the years, but nothing that seemed worth risking the safety of the construct that I had built up around myself.’  He looked self-conscious suddenly.  ‘Dr Green, if you had told me a year ago that I should be sitting here speaking to you in this fashion, I'm sorry to say that I would not have believed you.’</p><p>She smiled indulgently.  ‘I will claim a small part of the credit for myself, but I believe the lion’s share belongs to you.’</p><p>She scribbled a longer note, and Thomas took another sip of water, before she continued.</p><p>‘So: nothing since the war.  You de-age, but have no compunction to seek a relationship, or any form of intimacy, with anyone, until now.  Why now, do you think?  Would you say that this ambivalence towards risk - emotional risk that is - is another element of Peter’s influence?’</p><p>‘Oh, I have no doubt about it.  No doubt at all.  If it were not for Peter, and everything he has wrought, then no, of course not.   But I am bound to say that my coming here every week must have contributed in some measure also.’ They exchanged a smile.  ‘And, thinking about it,’ he added, ‘if it were not for Peter and his actions in modernising the Folly, then the working relationship between Alex and I would not have improved to the extent that made this development possible.’</p><p>‘Indeed?  There was antagonism was there?’</p><p>Thomas let out a short laugh.  ‘Oh yes.  And rightly so.  Alex is, as I have said, an extremely effective policeman and for many years perceived me as a relict from a former age, and one, moreover, who was not held accountable to the same standards as others, including himself.  None of which was entirely incorrect.  But, with Peter’s advent - and of necessity - our working relationship evolved.  One more thing I have to thank Peter for, is that in integrating the Folly and our work into the wider Met, then… I don’t know, we were obliged to work alongside each other more often; we began working together pretty well, if I may say so, and I hope he would agree.  Well,’ he grinned, ‘up to a point, perhaps.’  He stopped to consider.  ‘And he was instrumental in my coming to see you, as you know.’</p><p>‘<em>Oh</em>.  Alex is the colleague you spoke of.  I see.’   She looked thoughtful.  ‘I see,’ she said again.  ‘I’m sorry,’ and her attention returned to Thomas.  ‘You were saying?’</p><p>Thomas shrugged.  ‘Simply that.’ </p><p>‘Right.  In summary, then, having grown closer to this man in a professional context..’</p><p>‘.. we became friends, yes.’</p><p>‘And now lovers?’</p><p>‘Hmm,’  Thomas looked thoughtful.  ‘That’s not how I had thought about it, I mean, not how I had phrased it to myself, but, yes, I suppose that’s one way of describing it.’</p><p>‘An accurate way of describing it, would you say?’</p><p>Thomas considered the matter further.  ‘Yes.  Yes, I would.  We are lovers.’  He smiled to himself.</p><p>‘And, of course then, in addition to the emotional intimacy, there is the physical element which goes hand in hand.’</p><p>‘Not always,’ said Thomas.</p><p>‘Well, no,’ conceded Dr Green. ‘But that’s not the case here I believe?'  She looked at him for affirmation and he nodded.  'So.  How did you find that?’</p><p>‘I, well, I wasn’t expecting it.  The night that, er, matters evolved, he’d invited me to his house for dinner.  As I say, we had become friends by that point – and I was so out of practice, I was unsure what to think - it could easily have been a friendly gesture between colleagues.’</p><p>Dr Green regarded him levelly.  ‘But it wasn’t?’</p><p>‘No,’ he said.  ‘It wasn’t.’</p><p>‘And so what happened, if you don't mind my asking?’</p><p>‘Not at all.  I, um, well, I surprised myself, if I'm honest.’</p><p>‘Do you mean..?  You slept with with him the same night?’</p><p>Thomas smiled and met her gaze.  ‘Severally.’</p><p>Dr Green gave him a measured look.  ‘Thomas, are you bragging?’</p><p>He grinned.  ’A little perhaps.’ </p><p>‘Really, Thomas, you will make me blush.’</p><p>‘Oh I highly doubt that, Dr Green.  I should like to see it at least, but I believe it would take far more than that.’</p><p>‘To get back the matter at hand,’ she said, shaking her head in amused mock-reproach,  ‘you didn’t find that too sudden, too much?  All at once?  To go from nothing, from, as you said, uncertainty even, in a matter of hours?’</p><p>‘No.  And again, it strikes me that it was not.. I mean, it felt like an entirely natural thing to do.  It surprised him also perhaps - he did mention that it was unexpected, but it didn’t concern him unduly, I don’t think, and in any event, but… we were talking about me, so, no.  It didn’t feel too sudden, or too much, or overwhelming or anything of that nature.' </p><p>Dr Green regarded him keenly,  ‘Could we unpack that a little more, do you think?  Sometimes it’s useful to explore where emotions originate.  Physical intimacy – of any kind – after seventy-odd years is worthy of some discussion I think.  Although,’ she held up a hand, ‘please note that I do not require any details.  Just tell me how you felt.’</p><p>‘I can’t say that I really thought about it, at the time.  It didn’t seem necessary to think about it.  This was someone that I had known for years, and known pretty well for the last few.  I trusted him, I suppose, is the root of it.  I do trust him.  It wasn’t a risk.  It didn’t feel like a risk.  I didn’t feel exposed.  There was simply no question about it.  He…’  He looked down and swallowed.  ‘He indicated that he was attracted to me.  And that was it.  That was all it needed.  For both of us, I think.  I don’t know.  I mean, I don’t know how he feels.  Well I do, I suppose.  He seems..’  He took a breath.  ‘We haven’t really spoken about such things so far.  It hasn’t been necessary.  It’s…  There’s no drama.  There are no histrionics.  It’s... satisfying.  It’s..’  He made a helpless gesture with his hands and sighed.  ‘When I think I’m getting better at this, words fail me.’</p><p>Dr Green said nothing.</p><p>‘I feel…’  He groped for a word as Dr Green continued to regard him.  ‘valued.  And I am being foolish perhaps, naïve.  It has been many, many years I know.  I am entirely unversed in this, and was not especially well-versed in my youth.  Not in terms of anything beyond the merely physical in any event.’</p><p>‘And this is more than merely physical?’</p><p>He weighed the words.  ‘Yes.  Yes, I believe it is.’</p><p>Dr Green began to make a note.  As she was doing so, he added ‘Though I had forgotten.’</p><p>She finished her sentence and looked up.  ‘What had you forgotten, Thomas?’</p><p>He sought for the words.  ‘The physicality of it.  Just… the fact of being able to touch someone again.  Whenever I want to - within reason of course - to be allowed to reach out and touch someone else... the very warmth of it.'  He looked pensive.  'To be able to hold someone else, to be held in turn.’</p><p>She waited for more.</p><p>‘And not to have to ask permission, not to feel that one’s caress is merely endured, but welcomed, reciprocated – and also to.. to know, not to have to be told even, that it is the most natural, the most normal thing in the world.  I had not realised, or I had forgotten in the intervening years, just how fundamental it is.  How basic a need.’  He stopped and stared down at his hands.  </p><p>‘And to be able to do such a thing,’ said Dr Green after a moment, ‘how does that make you feel?’</p><p>He started out of the abstraction into which he had fallen.</p><p>‘Happy,’ he said simply.  ‘There is no other word for it.’  He came to himself.  ‘Forgive me, Dr Green.  I am babbling like a schoolboy.’</p><p>She gave him a warm smile.  ‘Thomas, you are not babbling.  Rather, you are speaking like a rational adult about your experiences and what, about them, is important to you.  That is not babbling.’</p><p>‘Thank you,’ said Thomas, shooting her a grateful look.</p><p>There was silence for a few seconds, before Dr Green said ‘May I ask you something?’</p><p>‘Of course.’</p><p>‘We have discussed at some length this afternoon a substantial change in your personal circumstances.  You have told me how you feel about that, and I commend your honesty, but there is one other thing I would like to know.’</p><p>‘Oh yes?’ said Thomas, brow wrinkling.</p><p>‘You have told me how you feel about the situation you now find yourself in, but you have not really told me how you feel about the other person involved, about Alex.’</p><p>‘I’m not sure I follow.’</p><p>‘Alright then let me put it this way: how do you feel, <em>what</em> do you feel, when you think about him?  I would like you, if you can, to describe to me how you feel when you think about Alex, about the two of you together.’</p><p>‘Honestly?’</p><p>She laughed.  ‘But of course.’</p><p>He thought for some moments and then let out a breath.  ‘Like someone is hitting my heart with a cricket bat.’</p><p>‘Well then,’ said Dr Green, sitting back with a smile and casting a discreet look at her watch - a self-winding mariner’s, as Thomas had noticed on his first visit.  ‘That sounds extremely satisfactory – I-‘</p><p>‘Does it?’ interrupted Thomas hopefully.</p><p>She looked up from her notes.  ‘Well, it sounds so to me, as I say, but only you can tell yourself that.  Only you can know.’</p><p>Thomas nodded, thoughtfully.  ‘Yes.  So what happens now?’</p><p>Dr Green laughed.  ‘With you and Alex you mean?  I’m afraid I don’t know.’</p><p>‘What I mean is,’ Thomas looked down at his hands once more.  ‘How do I make sure?  How do I sustain it?’</p><p>‘Oh my dear!’ said Dr Green.  ‘If I had an answer for that I would be a very wealthy woman indeed.  There is no answer, I’m sorry to tell you.’  She closed her notebook.  ‘As we’ve discussed previously, there were patterns of behaviour in your earlier relationship which were perhaps not the most useful or healthy for you.  If I believed that to be a potential issue here, or indeed if you believed that to be an issue, and you had brought it to me, then we would work to ensure that you did not fall into similar patterns again or fall prey to that type of behaviour.  However, from what you have told me, that does not appear, so far, to be a risk in these particular circumstances – but I would suggest of course, as with everything else, that we keep an eye on things, because that’s what we’re here for.  This is a marathon and not a sprint, Thomas, as I have said often enough.  There may be setbacks - in fact one might more correctly term it a steeplechase, as there will always be obstacles to navigate.’  </p><p>‘But, as to your question,' she smiled,  ‘- and I am now beginning to wonder if that is what you wanted to ask from the moment you came in here today – no one knows the answer to that I'm afraid.  We all have to feel our way along in relationships, with whomever, and that’s all that each of us can do.  Be heedful, be open, communicate,’ she leaned forward in her seat.  ‘Communication’, she reiterated, ‘is key in all matters of the heart.  And other parts.’  She grinned as she stood up.  ‘But I think, from what you have said, that you appear to be on the right path at least.’</p><p>‘I do, I assure you, feel my good fortune,’ said Thomas, standing also.</p><p>‘Even better.  It may be said that the happiest relationships are those in which each feels that <em>they</em> are the fortunate one.  But things change, so: this is where you are now, see how things progress.  Talk to each other.  Talk to me.  Whenever you need to.’</p><p>Thomas gathered his trenchcoat and prepared to leave.  ‘So, Dr Green, you think I stand a good chance of living happily ever after?’ he said, only half-jokingly.</p><p>‘No,’ said Dr Green, and then smiled at Thomas’ shocked face.  ‘I think you’ll probably stumble around buggering things up just like the rest of us.’</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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